[GreenKeys] the Frankenwasher- more than a myth- it LIVES!

[Mark Hall]

Hello folks.

If you see a mushroom cloud rising over the Midwest, it's only me pursuing
something I'm not sure of...

I did something that both scared the bejeebers out of me and thrilled me to
the core at the same time! I invented the Frankenwasher!

While I was moving stuff around in my shop to make room for the eventual
expulsion of my ham cave from the spare bedroom I found a relative rarity
in the category of home appliances- a "roll up to the kitchen sink" dish
washer. Best of all it's a Crosley!! If it was mechanically dead it would
still live up to its marketing slogan "Outstanding in the field". Yep. In
the scrap pile south of the shop. It checked out good, after a full cycle
and heated drying. I carefully drained the pump and water circuit of water
as good as I could, and the experiment was on...

After gathering the critical items for scientific evaluation: cooler full
of beer, lawn chair, large ABC type fire extinguisher, roasting sticks for
the weenies and marshmallows in the aftermath of the explosion and fire,
and SPF 50 sunscreen, bug spray and flip-flops, long 12ga extension cord,
pith helmet, lab coat, jeans shorts, wife-beater shirt and goggles, a rake
and a water hose for the grass fire that would ensue shortly. After
carefully "scalping" a 20' circular area of lawn in front of the shop as
the designated launch pad for the first Crosley moon shot I set up the
launch control center behind my tractor "The Mechanical Jackass". Facing
the launch side I stood up three sheets of 3/4" plywood to form a 4' high
8' long blast barricade with the tractor and three 55 gallon drums as
ballast behind it.

With all the gear necessary in place behind the barrier, I cracked open a
cold one, and settled in for my odyssey. With all the racks and original
gear in place and the rinse dry tank judiciously removed, detergent
reservoirs empty, I carefully filled the base of the wash chamber with K-1
kerosene until the float switch thingie rose completely. This turns off the
water fill valve and allows the dishwasher to get underway with its
business- washing. Reasoning the rinse cycle would only be "more of the
same", and having proven its mettle with a complete "Pots and Pans" heavy
soil cycle, I determined to limit the test to one wash cycle, Vasily- one
wash cycle only, please...After setting controls for a slingshot orbit of
the sun, I settled in behind the launch control barrier and commenced
countdown...

After three more beers I mustered the courage to plug it in. Watching with
bated breath over the launch control barrier I heard the reassuring surge
of the Crosley's mighty pump as the kerosene coursed boldly where kerosene
was never meant to go! One minute in, good so far... and I think my
dishwasher knows which way to go. Told my wife I loved her and dug out the
life insurance policy- she knows (she gets it all). My precious black
kitteh decided to see what Pop was up to, and jumped up on top of the
Crosley, laid down on the nice synthetic butcher board top and decided to
sun herself. As the minutes ticked by in the escape of the solar system and
the heavy soil cycle, I reflected that while the Russians shot a dog named
"Laika" into space, I would do the same with a black cat named "MFK" if
things went south with this launch.

Mirabile dictu! Success! After returning heated kerosene into the five
gallon Home Despot bucket designated as the receiving vessel with the
vengeance of a long past due urination, I unplugged the Crosley and
approached it upwind cautiously with the fire extinguisher. No indications
of eminent danger were present, and the latch opened (with its usual
resistance to discourage the entrance into the capsule interior by
inquisitive children). Other than the encouraging low-odor aroma of  heated
kerosene, all was well. No deleterious effect to the washing encagements or
agitative devices were noted and the "the mome raths outgrabe" too.
Underneath the machine, all was dry. The connections maintained integrity
under full acceleration into spin cycle!

On my land there is plenty of natural rock to build a suitable "Wush Haus",
to ensure the safety to humans and farm critters alike in which the mighty
Crosley can safely repose, along with an outcast GE wall oven to keep it
company. The oven has been tested to maintain a serving temperature of 140
degrees Fahrvengruven to ensure tenderness and succulent moisture of served
Teletype printing units. A steel fire door salvaged from another building
awaits pressage into service thereto.

In time, an adequate filtration and delivery system for the six gallons
total of Kerosene will be implemented, with the view in mind of a
mail-order "Teletype Laundry Service". Using molded inserts and vacuum
packaging, typing units and other Teletype washables will arrive "Sunshine
Fresh" via UPS or FedEX to any doorstep in the contiguous 48 States
(Alaska, Hawaii and Guam by air delivery only). To prevent terrorists from
laundering their stock of Kalishnikhov machines, international Teletype
laundry service will not be implemented. God bless the USA!

It's time for my electroconvulsive therapy. Can you say- "Shock the monkey?"
I thought you could. I'll put on my sneakers and sweater. The men with
butterfly nets and white suits are waiting...

73!

Mark
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